Once Again

Disappointment permeates the hope I had. I’ve been on this path a long time. You’d think I would have learned something by now. But I’ve done it again.

I say that I believe God is sovereign and in charge of everything that happens to me and in my world. I say that God Almighty is good and doing good even when I can’t see the good or understand how it is good. I say God knows everything, and that He is wiser than I will ever be.

Yet, I am sad today because my plan did not work out. Oh Holy God, you know that I call myself your follower, but you and I both know I really want to be your leader. Actually, I just want you to execute my plan for life in the time frame I laid out for you.

The same issue- did it again. Know it is wrong- did it again. Know I am not omniscient – but did it again anyway. It is ridiculous; I continue to fall into the same pot hole! Forgive me Lord for always wanting to be in control. Please help me to ask for your will and then actually wait patiently in anticipation of seeing what you will do.

Disgusted with myself, my mind wanders to the memory of that kindergarten skate night years ago…

Squeals of delight join the thump of skates and shoes dropping on the floor,as I notice the roller rink is crowded with children.

A DJ plays rock music illustrated by strobe colored lights.

Fourth and fifth graders move with confidence onto the wooden oval.

Second and third graders assume favorite positions in the snack bar, game area, or roller rink.

Kindergarten and first graders quickly segregate into two groups: experienced skaters ready for competition and novice skaters clutching parents’ hands with eyes wide with fear and excitement.

A new song begins and the circle is is filled with skaters dancing on wheels.

The inner core of bodies move like race cars gyrating as they glide while the outer edge slows with children barely balancing on their rollers.

My little girl tackles the rink with me holding her hand and walking beside her in sneakers. Though her snail’s page is almost imperceptible, she dismisses me from the floor after one loop. Confidently understanding the process, she begins another gradual circuit.

As I watch the near-miss and actual collisions happening, Mattye comes to my side. Her eyes are filled with the same wonder as the other kindergarteners.

Although she only turned five in June, Mattye stands a head taller than the others and weighs double the pounds of my little girl.

She has the appearance of a bully, but possesses the opposite personality.

Her words are soft and spoken with an occasional lisp,” Will you help me… skate?” Looking around the adults, I don’t see her parents.

We step into the arena, and Mattye’s feet shuffle in a rough skating form. Quickly, she falls toward the right, that leg suddenly ejecting. I steady her, so she is once again vertical.

The shifting feet begin again, and we move 18 inches forward. Then her left foot takes off in airborne flight.

I adjust my weight to counter hers, and she stays up. Softly she whispers as she glances my way, “Sor-ry.”

We begin again, and she falls. Still again, and she falls. Once again, and she falls. Her feet seem to be moving in fast-forward speed in totally different directions.

Slowly I explain what to do again. But she makes the same mistake. I am tired, a muscle in my back hurts, my arms tingle with the strain, and I want to go sit down.

But, when I look at Mattye

Her golden-brown curls circling cherub cheeks

Mouth pursed in concentration

Blue eyes pleading with no other grown up to help

Wanting to skate, but afraid with each fall I will let go

or worse- give up on her.

I cannot NOT help her!

That’s when I see the resemblance, Lord!

She looks like me– we share the desire to glide gracefully, but in reality we are unable to stand erect much less glide without a helping hand.

Mattye’s issue is only one of balance and experience skating. My problem is harder to correct. I ask for your help, and then rush into doing what I think.

Do my legs seem to be motorized when I fall into trusting myself instead of trusting you, God of the Universe?

Your strong hand holds me up to keep me from busting myself. I hear your instructions in my head and even study the book. But when I choose to rush ahead and fix things, I plummet with greater impact affecting those around me.

But you, Holy God, you never let me fall or fail completely. Being with my every step, you prop me up by your power and love to take another step.

Thank you Heavenly Father,

for loving the unsuccessful and slow to learn

for allowing me to choose my way but proving to me your way is better

for not giving up on me -even when I do.

When the next control issue pops up in my life, please help me stand looking confidently to you and waiting for you to show me what I should do.

“The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him; though he may stumble he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand.” Psalm 37:23,24

“For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you.” Isaiah 41:10

“I cling to you; your right hand upholds me.” Psalm 63:8

Author: mabbason

Weathered individual who still sprouts. Ordinary person from an average background who knows a Extraordinary God.

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